i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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