just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
