Will you blow on my dice?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
