when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
