I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
