how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
