Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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