Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
