I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Pants are for mortals
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
