guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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