I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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