If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
