i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
