if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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