I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
