I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
