Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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