I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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