What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
