You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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