Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
