everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
