a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
