Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
