Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
