4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
