get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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