You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
