Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
