So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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