Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
