i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
