she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
