sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
