i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
