On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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