The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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