Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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