my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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