You're completely useless in the revolution.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
