My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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