Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
