So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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