Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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