When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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