I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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