I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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