sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
