The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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