my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
