It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
