I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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